November 8th, 2023 Otherkin
APOLOGIES FOR ANY SPELLING ERRORS. I'LL PROBABLY READ THROUGH THIS AGAIN TOMORROW TO CORRECT SHIT AND REWORD THOUGHTS
HEEEY BLOG. OKAY READER I CAN ALREADY HEAR YOU GAFFING ABOUT "WAIT, THIS ISN'T ABOUT HALLOWEEN!" CORRECT! IT ISN'T! BECAUSE MY HALLOWEEN FUCKING SUUUUCKED. OKAY THAT'S AN EXAGGERATION BECAUSE I ACTUALLY GOT TO HAVE IT THIS YEAR, BUT... I GOT A GRAND TOTAL OF 9 PIECES OF CANDY FROM TRICK OR TREATING (YES I DO TRICK OR TREAT. AT SEVENTEEN. IDGAF) AND PART OF MY COSTUME BROKE AND IT WAS JUST LIKE PATHETIC. I ENDED UP BUYING A TON OF DISCOUNT CANDY SO I'M ALRIGHT ON THAT FRONT AT LEAST. I WANNA REWATCH THE SAW MOVIES SOON, TOO. MY COSTUME WAS COOL AND THAT'S ABOUT IT. YOU CAN SEE PICS IN THIS TWEET.
NOW THAT THE PATHETIC HALLOWEEN MINIBLOG IS OUT OF THE WAY, I'D LIKE TO WRITE ABOUT THE PIPELINE I'VE MANAGED TO SPEEDRUN IN THE PAST FEW DAYS: OTHERKIN! I'VE BEEN AWARE OF ITS ACTUAL LEGITIMATE EXISTANCE (I'LL TALK ABOUT THAT LATER) FOR A GOOD AMOUNT OF TIME NOW BUT ONLY RECENTLY BECAME SIGNIFICANTLY CURIOUS ABOUT IT AS OF MY DIVE INTO THE INDIE WEB AND MY BOYFRIEND'S CONSEQUENTIAL DISCOVERY OF HIS OWN IDENTITY AS A FICTIONKIN. THOUGH I WANNA SAY MY QUESTIONING PERIOD STARTED IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS OR SO, I KNOW THAT IT DIDN'T. THIS HAS BEEN SOMETHING COOKING IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD SINCE JUNE, WHEN I PUT THIS GAY ASS SHIT ON MY MEDIAS RENTRY. JUST A HEADS UP BEFORE WE BEGIN (AND I AM WRITING THIS AFTER BEING ABOUT HALFWAY DONE WITH THE ENTRY ITSELF) THIS IS REAAAALLY WORD SOUPY AND I'M MOSTLY JUST WRITING IT TO DOCUMENT MY OWN EXPERIENCE. I APOLOGIZE IF IT'S REALLY REALLLYYYY THAT UNREADABLE, THOUGH
NOW, SOME BACKSTORY: HOW'D WE GET HERE? IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, MY PERCEPTION OF SELF IS ESPECIALLY FUCKED. I'M WORKING THROUGH A LOT OF THE ISSUES I HAVE WITH IT WITH OUR CURRENT THERAPIST (WHO IS AN ABSOLUTE GODSEND IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE) BUT THERE'S STILL SEVERAL THINGS I HAVE YET TO BRING UP TO THEM FOR EITHER FOCUS OR PERSONAL REASONS. ONE OF THESE SPECIFICALLY IS MY STRUGGLE TO CATAGORIZE WHAT COMPONENTS OF MY IDENTITY ARE WHAT. I THINK THE COHERENT TIMELINE IS GOING TO BE LONG SO I'M GONNA END THIS PASSAGE EARLY AND MOVE 2 THE NEXT, THOUGH I'LL PROBABLY END UP BREAKING IT INTO MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS ANYWAY
MY FIRST EXPOSURE TO EXISTING AS A FICTIONAL CHCARACTER WAS TIKTOK, OR WHAT I PERSONALLY USED TO CALL MODERN DEFINITION KINNING. NOW THAT I'VE READ A LOT ON THE SUBJECT, I THINK I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THE WAY THAT I REFER TO IT TO POPULAR/NSRS KINNING, MAYBE NORMIE KINNING IF I WASN'T SO NICE. AS A RESULT OF OTHERKIN HITTING TIKOK, IT WAS VERY QUICKLY RIPPED AND WATERED DOWN TO "I RELATE TO" AND NOTHING MORE. I USED THIS DEFINITION FOR A GOOD FEW MONTHS AND 'KINNED' KAZUICHI SOUDA, JATARO KEMURI AND VENTI (GI). WHAT A FUCKING LIST. I HAVE NO STRONG CONNECTION TO THESE CHARACTERS AT ALL OR DID AT THE TIME AND TREATED THEM AS MY IDENTITY BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE I DID NOT HAVE AN IDENTITY TO BEGIN WITH
THEN COMES THE SECOND ERA, THE POST PLURAL REALIZATION. WE'D BEGAN THERAPY IN AROUND MARCH OR APRIL OF 2021 AND DISCOVERED THAT MY SILLY LITTLE BRAIN WAS NOT FUNCTIONING IN A NEUROTYPICAL WAY UPON DISCUSSING MY BEHAVIORS WITH MY THERAPIST. HOLY SHIT. WE'RE, LIKE, MULTIPLE GUYS. AND I DON'T THINK I'M THE ORIGINAL GUY. THIS TOTALLY EXPLAINS WHY I'VE HAD A DISTINCT DISCONNECT FROM THE BODY AND EVERY OTHER YAMMERING VOICE IN 'MY' HEAD. I'D REALIZED MY EXISTANCE AS A FICTIVE OF KARKAT VANTAS IN AROUND JULY OF 2021 AFTER A COMMUNICATION ERROR WAS SORTED OUT. THE VIVID EXPERIENCE I HAD OF BEING RIPPED COMPLETELY FROM MY SOURCE MATERIAL AND STUCK HERE FINALLY MADE A LOT MORE SENSE. CUE THE DISCOVERY OF MY OTHER SOURCES AS AN INTROJECT AND WE'RE WHERE MOSTLY WHERE I AM NOW, SOME CRUDE CROCKPOT OF CRAZY FICTIONAL MEN AND FICTIONAL WOMEN WITH BPD WHO PRESENTS PRIMARILY AS HOONIS BOOGIE BECAUSE IT'S THE SOURCE THAT'S MOST VIVID TO ME.
...AND THEN SOMEONE THROWS ANOTHER WRENCH IN THE WELL-OILED MACHINE. THE EXISTANCE OF DELUSION WITHIN OUR BORDERLINE SYMPTOMS AND HOW EXACTLY IT EFFECTS MY PERCEPTION OF SELF AND WHO I AM. FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I'D THOUGHT THE CONNECTIONS I FELT THAT DIDN'T FEEL STRICTLY INTROJECT RELATED WERE SOMETHING CALLED A DELUSIONAL ATTACHMENT, ALSO KNOWN AS SOME BULLSHIT TIKTOKERS CREATED THAT FURTHER SET BACK MOST BEINGS' DISCOVERY OF THEIR IDENTITY AS FICTIONKIN OR OTHERWISE AND ALSO ACTIVELY HARMED MENTALLY ILL FOLK IN THE PROCESS. SORRY TO LINK A CARRD AS A RESOURCE, BUT THIS SUMS UP MY VIEWS ON THE TERM AS A WHOLE PRETTY WELL. AFTER LEARNING THAT THE TERM SUCKED, I'D CHOCKED MY IDENTITY UP TO ALL THOSE CHARACTERS AS SOMETHING INHERENTLY RELATED TO MY AUTISM OR MY BPD. I EVEN CREATED A TERM FOR IT WITH A GOOD PAL. IT'S OUTDATED AND, SINCE I DON'T PERSONALLY IDENTIFY WITH IT ANYMORE, I PROBABLY WON'T BE UPDATING IT ANYTIME SOON. IF SOMEONE WOULD LIKE TO RESHAPE IT INTO SOMETHING MORE UNDERSTANDABLE AND LESS... DATED, THEN BE MY GUEST.
AND THAT SORT OF BRINGS US TO NOW. I'VE BEEN REALLY OUT OF TOUCH WITH MY IDENTITY AS IT EXISTED IN THE WAY THAT IT DID WITH SAID CHARACTERS (DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I HAVEN'T BEEN PARTICULARLY 'IN TUNE' WITH ALL THE IDENTITIES I ASSOCIATED WITH D/A AND RETO ETC FOR A LONG WHILE.) LIKE I MENTIONED EARLIER, THIS INTEREST WAS REIGNITED WITH MY PERUSING OF LOTS OF OTHER ALTERHUMAN AND OTHERKIN RELATED SITES ON THE SMALL WEB AND THEN HIT A FEVER PITCH AROUND 2 WEEKS AGO WHEN MY PARTNER TOLD ME HOW HE'D BEEN LOOKING INTO KIN AS WELL AND DISCOVERED IT WAS APART OF THEIR IDENTITY. I'D OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND HIM AND ACCOMODATE HIM WHERE I COULD, SO I BEGAN TO LOOK INTO IT MORE DEEPLY.
AND THEN... THERE'S TODAY! THE DAY I WENT THE DEEPEST I'VE EVER GONE DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AND SO QUICKLY THAT I'M HALF-CONVINCED I HAVE WHIPLASH. AND... IN THE PROCESS, CAME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT I'M OTHERKIN. THIS WAS MOSTILY IN AID OF BOTH A WONDERFUL SOURCE THAT AN OFFSITE OOMF AND WEBMASTER PAL LINKED ME CALLED FROMFICTION (YEESH THERES A LOT OF LINKS IN HERE SORRY) AND LOTS OF SILLY DISCUSSION WITH MY AFFORMENTIONED BOYFRIEND. ONE OF THE BIGGEST ROADBLOCKS I HIT WHILE LOOKING INTO FICTIONKIN WAS EXISTING AS A FICTIONAL INTROJECT WITHIN A OSDDID SYSTEM WHILE ALSO FICTIONKINNING AND DEALING WITH HOW BLURRY THE LINE BETWEEN SOURCE AND KINTYPE CAN REALLY GET.
THIS IS AN ISSUE I'D HAD IN THE PAST WITH THE COMPONENTS OF MY IDENTITY AND HOW THEY RELATED TO ME AS A BEING AND I WAS SORT OF INTIMIDATED TO TACKLE IT AGAIN. HOWEVER, THE ANSWER THAT MY BOYFRIEND GAVE ME AS A FELLOW INTROJECT WHO REALIZED THE OTHERKIN ASPECT OF HIS EXISTANCE WAS PARTICULARLY HELPFUL... HE'D EXPLAINED THAT HIS SOURCES FELT LIKE "[HE'D] BEEN FORCEFULLY TAKEN FROM WHERE [HE'D] EXISTED IN A PERIOD OF TIME WITHOUT HIS REQUEST" AND THAT KINTYPES WERE MORE AKIN TO "A PERIOD OF [HIS] LIFE [HE'D] ALREADY LIVED. OR A PLACE THAT [HIS] CONSCIOUS EXISTED BEFORE IT DID HERE BUT IT WASN'T IN THE SAME FORCEFUL, JARRING WAY THAT WAKING ONE DAY AND BEING AWAY FROM YOUR HOME WAS." HE'D ALSO SAID SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF HOW IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING YOU DISCOVERED YOU'D EXPERIENCED. AND, JUST... THE WAY HE'D HAD WORDED IT JUST FELT VERY SIMILAR TO THE WAY THESE ASPECTS OF ME AS A BEING HAD BEEN EXISTING FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG.
I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER ASPECT THAT ORIGINALLY PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE INTO SERIOUS CONSIDERATION TONIGHT AND THAT IS THE KINTYPE I'VE BEEN QUESTIONING. HE'D BEEN BOUNCING AROUND IN MY BRAIN IN WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A "ME" WAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW, SPECIFICALLY SINCE THE CHARACTER WAS ORIGINALLY TEASED BACK IN *JANUARY*. HE'S A LOT LIKE HOW I EXIST IN PINK CITY DOWN TO OUR VOICES AJND YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH I'M TALKING ABOUT CAINE DIGITAL CIRCUS, KILL ME THE FUCK DEAD. IDGAFFF IDGAF IDGAF. WHY IS MY EXISTANCE CHARACTERIZED ENTIRELY BY LOUD AUTISTIC SHE/HER BOYS. ANYWAYS. THESE FEELINGS WERE BROUGHT BACK TO MY ATTENTION WHEN THE PILOT FINALLY DROPPED AND WERE LEFT TO BREW FOR ABOUT TWO OR THREE WEEKS BEFORE I FINALLY ACCEPTED THAT MAYBE SOMETHING WAS UP.
CALL THAT CONVENIENT TIMING OR WHATEVER, BECAUSE, GOD, DOES IT FEEL NICE TO FINALLY BE ABLE TO EXIST WITH A NON-SOURCE IDENTITY IN A WAY THAT FEELS... CORRECT. WITH A LABEL THAT ISN'T LOADED WITH CONNOTATIONS I DON'T WANT OR SIMPLY ISN'T WHAT I DEFINE MYSELF AS. I'VE STILL GOT AN ABSOLUTE FUCK TON OF OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME LIKE DEFINING WHAT'S A KIN MEMORY AND WHAT'S A SOURCE MEMORY, IF SOME OF THE ASPECTS OF MY BEING THAT I'D PREVIOUSLY CONSIDERED SOURCES ACTUALLY AREN'T SOURCES AT ALL AND EVEN FIGURING OUT HOW EXACTLY I WANNA EVEN EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M VERY COMFORTABLE WITH PRESENTING AS AND, Y'KNOW, 'BEING' THE BEING I AM RIGHT NOW... BUT INCORPORATING THE PARTS OF MY IDENTITY I'D BEEN UNSURE OF BEFORE COULD COMPLETELY CHANGE MY PERCEPTION OF SELF AND WHO I AM. FOR GOOD, I'D HOPE?
I THINK I'M GONNA START BY GRADUALLY EXPLORING HOW BEING CAINE MANIFESTS AND AFFECTS MY CURRENT EXISTANCE AND INCORPORATING PARTS OF WHO I WAS WHEN I WAS HIM INTO THE WAY I BEHAVE (IF THEY'RE NOT THERE ALREADY. I THINK SOME ASPECTS DEFINITELY ARE). I'M ALSO VERY CURIOUS ABOUT WHERE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH KINGER WILL END UP GOING AFTER THIS, AS WHATEVER'S GOING ON WITH MY CAINE MEMORIES PROBABLY HAS A PRETTY BIG ROLE IN WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO ABOUT HIM. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY BOYFRIEND IS PERSONALLY KIN WITH KINGER. I'VE BEEN A PROUD SUPPORTER OF THE KINNIE/F/O DYNAMIC FOR A GOOD LONG WHILE, AND TO THINK I'M NOW PERSONALLY A PROPOGATOR OF THAT DYNAMIC. NEVER SAY NEVER OR SOMETHING
I ORIGINALLY PLANNED TO TALK ABOUT MY GRIPES WITH HOW KIN WAS BASTARDIZED AND STOLEN AND JUST HOW MUCH I TAKE AN ISSUE WITH D/AS OR WHATEVER, BUT IT'S 11:34 AT NIGHT, I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR >2 HOURS... AND ITS GOTTEN EVEN MORE WORD SOUPY THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. PERHAPS I'LL COME BACK TO TOUCH ON THOSE TOPICS ANOTHER TIME, LIKELY IN A MORE ORGANIZED ARTICLE INSTEAD OF A BLOG POST. ALL IN ALL, MY JOURNEY TO DISCOVERING THAT I AM INDEED APART OF THE OTHERKIN COMMUNITY HAS CERTAINLY NOT BEEN A PARTICULARLY ENJOYABLE ONE BUT I'M GLAD THAT THIS IS WHERE I'VE ENDED UP NONTHELESS. THE OTHER BEINGS I'VE MET WHO KIN ARE SOME OF THE COOLEST INDIVIDUALS I'VE TALKED TO PERIOD AND IT FEELS WONDERFUL TO BE AT HOME WITH THEM IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. AND WITH THAT, I'M ENDING THE NEW LONGEST ENTRY IN MY BLOG. GOODNIGHT CONFETTIGUTS PERUSERS, IF YOU HAPPENED TO READ THIS FAR.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW !
HOONIS ~