February 9th, 2024 My Perception of Relationships
CONTENT WARNING FOR SELF-HATRED, PARANOIA, WHATEVE
FEELING LIKE YOU DON’T FIT IN ANYWHERE IS A SPECIAL KIND OF LONELINESS. A UNIQUELY PAINFUL ONE, TO ME. IT’S AKIN TO BEING TRANSPORTED BACK TO THE LUNCHROOM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, STANDING AROUND DUMBLY LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT WHERE I WON’T BE CALLED SLURS, AT THE BARE MINIMUM. IF I’M EXISTING IN A SPACE WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO BELONG, THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE ALL THE TIME?
I’VE MADE AN EFFORT TO FIND AND BUILD COMMUNITIES WHERE I THINK I’M LIKED, AND IT ALWAYS WORKS… FOR A LITTLE BIT. I FIND OTHERS WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS AND ENGAGE WITH THEM AND IT’S PLEASANT, BUT AFTER A WHILE I BEGIN TO REALIZE THAT THE RELATIONSHIP JUST ISN’T… I DON’T KNOW, MEANINGFUL TO THEM? THAT THEY EITHER HAVE LOTS OF OTHERS THEY’RE ALREADY VERY, VERY CLOSE TO THAT IT SEEMS LIKE I’M ENCROACHING WHENEVER I TRY TO ENGAGE, OR THEY’VE MADE NEW FRIENDS THEY MUCH PREFER OVER TALKING TO ME. AND I BEGIN TO STEW IN MY OWN DISLIKE FOR MY SITUATION.
OF COURSE, I’M PARTIALLY TO BLAME FOR THIS; I’VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT BEING THE ONE TO START CONVERSATIONS (MOSTLY DUE TO PARANOIA THAT I’M BOTHERING WHOEVER I’D LIKE TO TALK TO), I CAN’T VOICE MY ISSUES BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN I FEEL LIKE A BOTHER AND I JUST… LOOSE ALL MOTIVATION TO INTERACT, SOMETIMES. USUALLY BECAUSE OF THE PERCEPTION OF THE DISLIKE OF MY PRESENCE. WHETHER IT'S EVEN REAL, I DON'T KNOW. AS ALWAYS, I'M INCLINED TO BELIEVE IT IS. BECAUSE I FEEL SELFISH.
I FEEL SELFISH FOR WANTING TO BE UP THERE WITH EVERYONE'S BEST OF FRIENDS; TO BE ONE OF THEIR FIRST PICKS, OR WHATEVER. AND I RECOGNIZE THAT IT ABSOLUTELY IS. IT IS SELFISH TO WANT TO BE INVITED TO EVERYTHING AND A DESIRABLE FUCKING PLAYMATE OR WHATEVER. AND IF I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT, THAN WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HURT SO MUCH, STILL?? I CAN CERTAINLY MAKE AN ARGUMENT FOR OTHERS I KNEW PRIOR FINDING OUT THAT THEY LIKE OTHER PEOPLE BETTER THAN ME, BUT I FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL BAD WHEN SOMEONE I'VE KNOWN FOR MAYBE 4 MONTHS CHOOSES TO SPEND TIME WITH ANOTHER GUY THEY KNOW BETTER OVER ME. EVEN WITH THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, IT STILL FUCKING HURTS. WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I GUESS THIS ALL JUST BOILS DOWN TO THE FACT THAT I WISH I COULD BE NORMAL. I WISH I WAS MEDICATED AT THE VERY LEAST, AND I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE WHATEVER'S WRONG WITH ME. I WISH I WAS INTERESTING AND LIKABLE ENOUGH THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD PREFER TALKING TO ME ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING BESIDES HOW MUCH FUN THEY HAD WITH THE GUY WHO THEY LIKE BETTER THEN HOONIS. I WISH THEY'D TALK ABOUT THE NEW SHOW THEY'RE WATCHING, OR WHATEVER PROJECT THEYRE WORKING ON, OR ANY NEW MUSIC THEY'VE FOUND RECENTLY. I WISH I WAS LIKED BEYOND THE SHALLOWEST OF REASONS POSSIBLE, THE WAY I THINK MY BOYFRIEND AND MY QPP LIKE ME. I WISH I COULD HOLD MY BOYFRIEND, AND MY QPP. I WISH I KNEW HOW I GOT THEM TO LIKE ME. I WISH I WAS ANYTHING BEYOND A MESS. I WISH I WAS HAPPY
THE FACT THAT THIS ENTIRE SPIRAL WAS LIKELY SPURRED ON BY AN INTERNET ARGUMENT AGAINST A PEDOPHILE ENABLER IS A LITTLE WILD. FUCK YOU, MATT. THANKS FOR RUINING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS FOR ME.
IT'S UNIX'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. I'M GONNA SPEND IT WITH HIM, RYMAN AND DARLES.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW .
HOONIS ~